Well the Holidays came and went and so did my passion for writing, it seems that went somewhere as well. C’est La Vie, right? We can’t always be on. Sorry about the long pause, but I am back now. So let us get on with it, shall we?
Henry Ford said “whether you think you can do a thing or not, either way, you are right” back in November 1947! This is so relevant here now and in so many areas of our lives. Speaking to the female vulva owners here, since orgasms essentially begin in our brains, if you think you can’t orgasm, you are probably right. On the flip side of that if you think you can orgasm you probably can. Mind over matter. Yes, orgasms start in our brains! Yes, there is a physiological component. If I rub my clit long enough my clit, vulva and pelvic muscles will contract. That is the physical response. I certainly do not enjoy orgasming this way. This is the ‘make a turd’ orgasm.
Let me explain, have you ever eaten food that was meh, not terrible, but definitely not great? Well that same food will still make a turd, right? Your body will still respond to it physiologically. I don’t like ‘make a turd’ or forced orgasms. I want to feel my orgasm throughout my entire body. I want it to be as long and drawn out as possible and that is, for me, only possible if it starts in my brain first. Part of and possible the most important element of ‘self care’ is really feeling yourself (all the feels apply here, literally, cliterally, emotionally and mentally)! It is important to note if you have never orgasmed, it does not necessarily mean you are anorgasmic, it could just be that you are stressed, not in the right frame of mind, not really feeling yourself or the moment. Maybe you are not comfortable with yourself, your partner, certain smells, certain tastes, certain sensations etc.
You may not even know what you like sexually. In this world of instant gratification, we may be more eager to please our partners without really pleasing ourselves or knowing how we can please ourselves. You won’t know what you really like and won’t be able to express that without first exploring yourself (check out my blogs Go Love Yourself and Orgasm Series 3 of 5 Get Down with Yourself for more on that).
Speak life into your orgasm(s), be the little red hot engine that could…own the mantra ‘I think I can, I think I can, I think I can! Sounds silly, I know, but in reality, positive thinking has changed peoples’ lives, helped them accomplish things they never dreamt possible, has made people rich, gotten people jobs, promoted and it can certainly help you orgasm!
Mindfulness can help too; mind over matter, right? Being present in the moment can heighten the probability as well. I mean if you are thinking about the kids, work, bills, the endless unfinished house projects, what is for dinner, how you are gonna bow out of this weekend’s events and yadda yadda yadda, it is highly unlikely you will even enjoy your sexcapades let alone have an orgasm.
Be present for every sensation, relax, enjoy pleasing your partner and enjoy them pleasing you. If you are still unable to do this, you may need to figure out what is blocking you from relaxing and enjoying the sexperiences you are having.
If you have not read Come as You Are by Dr. Emily Nagoski, I highly encourage you to do so!
As I tell the girls on my soccer team, get your head in the game! C-U next time.
Coach Mary C