Cummunication 101 #16

You may have heard that somewhere before. How true is it? I say VERY! I’m no stranger to insecurities but I have come to know eight egos about myself that NOONE can take, break or shake (not even me at my lowest point) and I am very confident about them.  This article, while it mentions sex and sexy is not about sex. It is my blog and you all know I write what I want, when I want.

1. I am damn cute! I know I am not ‘Cindy Crawford’, but I know I am very cute.

2. I am frickin funny. Yup. I am funny. I always secretly wanted to be on Saturday Night Live (SNL), instead of wishing and hoping, I joined the United States Air Force (USAF) at 17 and left home at 18 after graduation. I always wanted to join the military (more than wishing to be on SNL) since I was a little tike!

3. I can dance. Yes, for a white girl I have rhythm and can actually move on the dance floor.  This has always been a big deal to me.

4. I have a kick-ass personality.  Seriously, if you have spent more than five minutes with me you know this. I love making people laugh (see above). I am well grounded, down to earth and very realistic.

5. I am brutally honest (even with myself). This sometimes counteracts the above and usually evokes a love or hate response. I am used to it. I say things that people usually only think. This can sometimes be shocking to some people who do not know me well. It can also shock people who have known me for years.

6. I am an awesome mom.  From the minute my first born son came into my ‘I am very unsure how I feel about kids right now’ life, I knew I was meant to be a mom. I am now the proud mama of four young men ages 25, 23, 22, and 16.

7. I am great in bed. I have known from very early on in my late teens and adult life that my confidence with my own sexuality, sensuality, and in the sack is always palpable.

8. I am a good Coach.  I say Coach and don’t specify what I coach because I am versatile.  I coach High School Girl’s  varsity soccer, I am a Life Coach, Mindfulness Coach and Intimacy Coach, and I am phenomenal at what I do.

I already said above that I have numerous insecurities that most people (even those closest to me) don’t ever see.  If I allow these insecurities to fester and grip me they will swallow me whole! Period. I am sure you all have felt insecure at some point in your lives.  I hold on to my egos so strongly, because this is my confidence. ‘Confidence’ being sexy is not just about bedroom or sex confidence. You attract what you feel and think. If you think negatively, that is how you feel and you will continue to feel until you change your mindset. Negativity is what you will attract in your daily life. Mindfulness can help with negative thoughts about life and yourself, among many other things. You can be confident that you are good at snowboarding (not in and of itself sexy), but this can attract someone who finds that confidence in your own abilities very sexy.

When I was 13 years old, I used to cry myself to sleep most nights praying to God to end my life. I wasn’t suicidal but I did not want to live. WHY? I was fat (or so I thought), I was a “loud mouth who only wanted attention” (something that people close to me would say often, so I believed it).  I was an  “inconsiderate little C&*%” something my stepdad used to repeatedly say to me and I believed it. I am now very self conscious about being inconsiderate these days or overstaying my welcome. So much so that I don’t like to bug people when I myself have problems.  This is a defense mechanism.

When I would cry and pray for God to end me,  I would also go cry and look in the mirror.  While I was staring at my ‘ugly cry face’ I would also think to myself that I had beautiful blue eyes (which I do by the way).  Anywho this became sort of habitual and I started to add things to my list and began picking out other things I knew to be true about myself i.e. my sense of humor, my ease to be the center of attention but not have to be, the way my lips crinkled when I smile, AHHHH and my beloved snaggle tooth… “it gives me character”  I would think to myself.  And I was good for a while.

However, low self-esteem and my insecurities crept in and got the better of me when I became pregnant at 20 years old and single serving in the United States Air Force (USAF).  I later realized I was probably clinically depressed. The desire to not live anymore struck me again.  I was unsure of how being a mom was going to affect my life, my relatively new career in the USAF, was I even cut out to be a mom, let alone a single mother? Was I even going to be a semi-decent mom?

All of my so called best friends went on being single and barely came around or checked in on me. I could not party anymore and to me, I was just a loser with no friends who was growing fatter and fatter.  I cried a ton, daily, and asked God, again, to end our lives by having a MAC truck hit me. Again, I was not suicidal as I would never hurt myself or my unborn baby, but if it was an act of God, it was meant to be, right?  I just did not want to live.

God saw it differently though, and I am grateful every day that he did not see things the way I did in my moments of despair. Fast forward to my son’s birth. As I held this teensy weensy needy little innocent and fragile baby in my arms and he just stared at me, I was overcome with emotion and JUST knew with every fiber of my being that everything was as it should be and I was going to be a great mom. I did not suffer any post partum depression.  I started my list of egos then and never looked back. I am not saying my insecurities don’t ever creep in, that would be a lie. I throw some stellar self-pity parties, but I always get up, dust myself off and get back to kicking ass!

So I want you to know that you can start somewhere too. Deep, deep, deep maybe so deep down you don’t even realize it yet, you have things, qualities, attributes (physical, behavioral, habitual etc.), characteristics that you know are BEAUTIFUL, great, sexy, intriguing, etc. YOU DO, I promise you, you do.  Find them, acknowledge them and own them. SQUEEZE them tight and NEVER let them go, EVER. 

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