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intimacy Lifestyle Love, Sex and Marriage Mindfulness Relationships Self Care sexology

Orgasm Series #3 of 5; Get Down With Yourself!

I am a little late in the game on this blog post. I have been in a COVID19 funk for a few weeks and it spilled over (I’ll actually write a blog on that soon, but for now I just need to catch up)…

Self care, self pleasure, me time, alone time… what ever the new ‘buzz’ words are… it really is all the same thing. MASTURBATION or as the movie Idiocracy calls it ‘Baitin!’. Great movie, by the way! I digress. I know I have touched (pun intended) on self exploration before; but today, I am talking about how masturbating can help you have great or even greater orgasms.

When was the last time you looked at your lovely vulva? Have you ever looked at her, intentionally? This journey of getting down with your self starts with exploring your vulva. This is not as relaxing as the orgasm part, but it will help. 

Get a hand held mirror and lay down on your back in a comfortable position that opens the view to you and have a look at her. Look at all her splendid beauty, touch your lips (labia minora and majora), unfold them, fold them, tug on them if you like, look through your pubic hair, look beneath your pubic hair, twirl your fingers in it, look inside your vagina, bear down (like your pooping) and you might be able to see and touch your cervix, maybe not (it’s ok either way), look at your anus, touch it. Take a mental note of how things look and feel. This visual check is not just for exploring and pleasure, but is important to do this on a regular bases so that you notice any changes that could affect your health.

If you have read any of my blogs, you already know how unabashed I am when it comes to all things ‘sex’. I first masturbated at 17 years old (two years after I began having sex). This was really the time where I was figuring out what I really liked and what I did not. This was vital for me. I believe it is vital for everyone. If you have never truly pleasurably touched yourself, how do you truly know yourself sexually?

I have heard many different reasons: Religion, upbringing, culture, family, not accepted, dirty, sinful and so on.  Please know, I am not out of touch with this at all. I was born and raised Catholic. I am well aware of all the things that can make me go to Hell. 

Putting all that aside, mindfulness helps A TON! You may have to practice mindfulness a few times before trying to masturbate. This could be a process for you and you may have to give it another go or maybe you get lucky on the first go round. In either case, you are normal and exactly where you should be. DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF to anyone else, not even the ‘Ms. Multiple orgasms every time the wind blows.’ (said in a VERY sarcastic tone!) That is great for her, you are different, unique and there is nothing wrong with you, Capeche?

Setting the mood:

  • Practice 3-10 minutes of mindfulness (naked is best). This can be in the tub or bed.
  • Have a glass of wine, beer or a toke (Mary Jane) to help you relax.
  • Play some of your music as loud or soft as you like.
  • Light candles, make it pitch black, turn all the lights on… it is YOUR time do what you want!
  • Make sure you have lube handy
  • Let your thoughts think whatever nasty, taboo or not thoughts they want… this is your time.
  • Touch yourself all over (you may just find new, hidden or undiscovered erogenous zones). Try pulling, pinching, squeezing, stroking, grazing etc. use different pressures. Truth be told, before I get down, I like to get started with an ice cold can of pop between my legs (fully clothed) but it gets me started. You wont know what you like until you try it. So TRY it all.

Having an orgasm is as much in your mind as it is in your body, I would say even more so. 

Women have been and are told repeatedly through friends, family, movies, tv etc. that it is difficult for women to orgasm. It is portrayed in movies as being so hard to achieve or unachievable (I am not speaking about porn, folks, that is an exaggerated one extreme to the other). 

Just like emotional abuse if you hear something every day you eventually will believe it. And if our sexcapades don’t yield the BIG O immediately or frequently, of course we believe it! The fact is orgasms take effort on your part. See above where I said orgasms happen just as much in the mind as body. Yes, your partner needs to be tuned in to what you like… ahem… cummunication.  However, if your thoughts are sabotaging you, you will either have no orgasm or a forced physiological response orgasm (or what I refer to as the ‘what the EFF was that?’ orgasm). Relax and get your mind into it. If you know the song by En Vogue sing it now… ‘Free Your Mind’… and the Rest Will Follow… in this case, the ‘rest’ is your orgasm!

There are several different types of orgasms’ (which I will cover in the next week’s blog on the series). For now, just do what you can and don’t stress about the different types and how you get there. 

I have to say this can all be bit overwhelming in and of itself. Don’t let it be. Take everything regarding masturbation, orgasming, or sex in general that you read, hear, etc. with a grain of salt. What works for one person may not work for you and so on. That is why you are getting down with yourself. It might be (probably will be) awkward at first, but it’s you and you LOVE you! I assure you, it will get better, you will get better and your orgasms will be better.

C-U Next time.

Coach Mary C

By CoachMaryC

I help couples with relationship intimacy and life. As a military veteran I specialize in military relationships and understand the difficulties of active duty military life as well as after military life, transitioning to civilian life. In addition to military; as a mom of four young men, I also help adolescents and young adults understand safer sex and sexual communication in relationships.

One reply on “Orgasm Series #3 of 5; Get Down With Yourself!”

Very informative. I have to say that self pleasure is not something I have tried for myself. I have to admit I can only orgasm if I am feeling desired. Definitely don’t get that on my own. I’ve personally never thought of personal physical exploration. Thank you

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