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intimacy Love, Sex and Marriage Mindfulness Relationships sexology Women's Health

Orgasm Series #2 of 5; Stop Faking & Start Owning your Orgasm!

Now this one is not for anorgasmic folks or folks who are in abusive relationships. This is for folks who can orgasm but for one reason or another are not orgasming with their partner and their partner has no clue they are not orgasming because they fake it. Why do YOU fake it?

Why people fake orgasms has been the question for the ages. 

According to Psychology Today, there are five top reasons and they are:

  1. To end a less than stellar sexpisode
  2. To appease their partner
  3. To enhance the experience for both
  4. To avoid confrontation
  5. To deceive their partner

You can do a google search too, but the average top reasons in most articles is some variation of the above.

I have always been known and described as a straight shooter, blunt, brutally honest, a direct torpedo hit, honest to a fault… yadda, yadda, yadda… and quite frankly, I wear them all as a badge of honor. For sex, it has never been any different.

I had sex for the first time when I was 15 years old. It was my boyfriend’s prom night. I don’t really remember it, honestly. We continued to date and continued to have sex for at least a year. All I remember about that time was how adamantly opposed I was about not enjoying myself too and because of this, I enjoyed myself.

Maybe it stemmed from the fact that I was raised primarily around females who seemed to, at least from my very young viewpoint, be miserable in their relationships. There was definitely abuse; mental, physical and emotional and for some reason or another they always stuck around the guys. I just never wanted that and vowed to myself I would not be part of it.

Between ages 15-18, I had sex with two different partners before I left for the USAF. One was my first boyfriend mentioned above, the other was an on and off again boyfriend who actually told me I was so stupid for wanting to join the Air Force (more to come on that in a future blog). Once I graduated from Basic Training and got to Technical Training, it was like ‘GAME ON’ to my path of sexual exploration.

I will say for me, it was never about validation or to have a boyfriend or for someone to like or love me. I was looking for someone to please me. I have always gravitated towards guys as friends. Guys are more my speed and I could always be myself. I have always been the cute cool chick. Funny as hell, can hang with the guys, drink, not worry about looking hot and I keep shit real.  If I saw a ‘subject’ I thought was particularly tasty, I would hit them with my humor, of course they would laugh because I am FUNNY! Then I would hit them with a very real, ‘do you eat pussy?’

This threw a lot of dudes for a doozy. I guess having a chick be this forward and literally in their face was intimidating. If they said ‘no’ or just was not interested in me in that way, I was like ‘cool, let’s drink a beer’. It really did not affect me. Now for the guys that accepted the challenge, man if they couldn’t cut it and by that I mean, perform in general or make me cum, they knew if I came, whether they asked me or not. I was not playing games. Now, I will say that hindsight is always 20/20 and it is possible that at times I was a bit less than nice about it, after all, these were mostly one night stands. 

Cue in my husband, my rock, my best friend. Man oh man our first penetrative sexpisode did not start out great. He had a condom on and went soft inside me. I was mortified thinking it was me and I was not happy. I began to vocalize my discontent and he took charge and just went down on me… If I could play you music right now, it would be like ‘finding the holy grail’ music. JohnE and I started our cummunication on this very night and we have never looked back! He let me know, right away, it was because he was not used to wearing condoms (recently divorced after six years of marriage) and this condom happened to be a bit restrictive and was choking him out like an MMA fighter (his words, folks).

This is why I stress CUMMUNICATION. I know for a fact that if you lock it down in the bedroom, you lock it down for life. You really can weather any storm, issue, hiccup or setback a marriage/relationship is bound to face.

Let’s rewind back to the list of five top reasons why people fake it. Let’s explore what this really looks like and how it is NOT serving you or your partner:

  1. To end a less than stellar sexpisode: you are only exasperating a bigger issue, the bad sex will continue for as long as you allow and PROMOTE it by faking an orgasm. I know that bad sex is still sex, kind of like bad pizza is still pizza… but come on! Why have bad sex repeatedly when you can ‘course correct’ and have mind blowing orgasmic sex, for real?
  2. To appease your partner: don’t you want your partner to know for real that they are good and have satisfied YOU sexually? Don’t you want to be satisfied sexually? And see above, honestly!
  3. To enhance the experience of both: is it REALLY enhancing your experience though? I got to say, NO, it is not. It is a lie, façade, farce, a performance. I say save the fake shit for where it belongs… at the pick up line at your kid’s school or grocery store, not in the bedroom!
  4. To avoid confrontation: all I can say here is go ahead and rip that Band-Aid off. You know damn well if your partner is doing something you don’t like (outside of sex)… you tell them immediately or as soon as possible i.e. playing too much X-Box, watching too much football, not helping with the kids, not helping around the house, hanging  out with their friends, not paying attention to you, blah-blah-blah… and you probably don’t sugarcoat or avoid that convo! So what are you waiting for? Seriously?
  5. To deceive your partner: Let’s face it, if you are faking for any reason, you are already deceiving your partner so there is that. However, this one is more along the lines of cheating or planning to cheat. If this is you, an intimacy coach like me can only help in this case if you are done cheating and you are both ready to heal and move on from the infidelity. If not, then you need to break it off and set your partner free.

I don’t expect any of you to be as vocal or even as brutally honest as me, but you DO deserve to enjoy sex. If you are not enjoying it, this is going to take effort and cummunication on your part.  Sex is meant to be something fantastical and beautiful. Not something we do begrudgingly or as a chore! Own your orgasm! EVERY.SINGLE.ONE. By owning them, you control the power.

By faking it you are either suppressing what you really want or need sexually or do not know what you really want or need sexually. If you know, OWN IT! If you don’t know, it is time to explore either self discovery or with your partner… or both! It can add a whole level of excitement and intimacy that you have not experienced before to both your sexcapades and your relationship. Why shouldn’t you get off too?

I do highly encourage this being a conversation and not a blunt comment in the middle of a sexcapade, BUUUUUUT if it happens that way and you orgasm, that is great! But you should converse about it after the fact so your spouse/SO can understand exactly where you are cumming from!

C-U Next time

Coach Mary C

Special Thanks to PsychologyToday.com

By CoachMaryC

I help couples with relationship intimacy and life. As a military veteran I specialize in military relationships and understand the difficulties of active duty military life as well as after military life, transitioning to civilian life. In addition to military; as a mom of four young men, I also help adolescents and young adults understand safer sex and sexual communication in relationships.

2 replies on “Orgasm Series #2 of 5; Stop Faking & Start Owning your Orgasm!”

Love your honesty, Coach Mary!! Communication is for real and has helped immensely in my relationship with my hubby ~ someone of the same caliber, for sure!!

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I rarely orgasm as my partner is completely one sided. I have to be in control. We have been having sex for 26 years pretty much daily. Unfortunately the communication factor is pretty much a problem starter not solver. I appreciate your honesty and advice.

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